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So I found this quote from www.marcandangel.com and somehow I feel related to it. 

Anywayyy…these past few months were….#@!?&*# >.< not that I’m not grateful but…oh well :) 

I don’t know the right place to write, since I haven’t make my own site, but guess I gotta ‘throw’ something here.

I used to be a FUN person, really! Okay I might not that spontaneous but I used to be Happy and positively influence my Lalalala-ness to others. I hate ‘self-pity’ people, but now… I’m one of them :) <—- and YES, I hate to admit this. 

Disappointment indeed taught me something (I learned A LOT!) and the funny thing is that, the people who disappoint us the most bitterly…are often the people we know the best. 

I do have soooo many mistakes yet regrets. But I don’t wanna go back to the old-time me. I gotta fix everything now. And I did, but everything is too late :) 

You know the moment when you feel that you have spent an entire lifetime trying to be everything to everyone…but somehow, somebody is always disappointed? It’s like…you were trying to make everyone happy, but in the end…everything is pointless.

But when you heard that someone you care the most needs positive energy from other person, well it hurts me the most. I know I’m imperfect…but I did my best. It takes two to tango. It takes both sides to support each other. We are just human. We can’t force ourselves to be HAPPY all the time. It’s okay to be not okay, sometimes.

Regardless of all mistakes that I did, I don’t wanna put the key of my happiness in someone’s else pocket. I don’t wanna get close to anyone, just to make me feel less-lonely.

In order to be HAPPY, I (have to) choose to be HAPPY. Not because someone else :) and suddenly everything sounds like excuses. 

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I read this somewhere: In bad situations, there are always silver linings:

1. It opened my eyes who my friends were and weren’t and I’ll be better at knowing it next time. (in this case, it opened my eyes to see who the real person was).

2. I now have zero tolerance for bullshit. (excuses, etc)

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Seriously, “If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it”. 
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I have no regret for every year yet every journey that I spent before. Just like John Lennon said, “Time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted.” Really! 
It comes again. The same feeling when I’m losing my Dad. It hurts and irreplaceable. I make war at myself and put anger to everyone.
But then again, people change…even people that we know the most. And there’s nothing we can do about it. 
It all matters in the end - every step, every regret, every smile, and every struggle. 

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2013 Year in Review:
HappySadGratefulDepressed.

Last year was a Total Test. Time flies, things change, people leave and growing up is the hardest thing to do.


Wrote storyline in my head. Even though I don’t know what’s the end story of it ;_; Hopefully, I could make the happy version of this video, teleporting and finding the right path.

So, I start to write again.

Actually, I was about to activate my blogspot account. But then, I’m thinking to write here instead, before I’m having my own site (planning to make a website about my personal life, dream, random things and of course enji-id).

Anyway, I’m not feeling well recently. I started to become the same person that I used to be….years ago. Someone with her (literally) “BE NEGATIVE” blood type person and living her life as a zombie.

I become the same person who says hello to insomnia, sleeping for 2 hours then waking up with her giant eye bags.

I’m thinking to leave everything including enji-id. Go back to work as a full-time Copywriter in advertising agency…making myself super busy, stay in the office until dawn almost everyday…

But I just can’t. 

"I talk to God but the sky is empty", says Sylvia Plath. And yes, I feel empty…and the worst feeling is, there’s no one to be angry at, except myself.

I feel like, I don’t have anyone because eventually people leave and I might end-up alone. People do change, and again…I will end-up alone. That’s what I thought recently. I started to make my own scenario and feeling scared without logical reason.

And again, just like Sylvia Plath says,”…the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.”

どうすればいいでしょうか? 

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